Dear Miss Dakota Fanning


Dear Miss Dakota Fanning:

Or, should I say, "Little Miss Movie Star," what with all that War of the Worlds la-di-da going on all around us. Good to be you, huh? (Averted Gaze) Guess who won the birth lottery?

(Facetiously) Are you going to cry in this movie -- again -- like you have in the past 79,000, dearie?

Overbaked ham! They're not going to give you an Oscar, you know, honey; you're not grown up enough. Oscar's are for grown ups -- not you. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)

You think you're so special, Dakota Fanning. So, you've worked with Spielberg and Cruise on this project, so what? Nice work if you can get it! The Corsair could do that too if we wanted. Sort of. Maybe. Alright, probably not ...



(image via Enzogiobbe)

Well, you're not the boss of me, Miss Dakota "A-List" Fanning. You're not the boss of me, Dakota "They Named me after the Red State" Fanning. Don't you have a Craft Services and Catering cart to relieve of their ice cream sandwiches, Little Miss "Special"?

Do you still have Krispy Kremes in your rider? Is that one of your "privileges"? Or should I just give you a "cookie"?

Oh, you'd rather have the ones that the chef specially makes for you at "The Ivy"? Excuuse me! I wasn't going to give you some cheap ass "Entenman's" cookie, anyway.

You're not so big and bad, Dakota Fanning. I have two words for you, Little Miss Movie Star: Gary Coleman. It don't matter if you got, not alot, so what?

Gary Coleman came from nowhere and once even starred in 'The Kid From Left Field' with perennial 70s A-Lister Robert Guillaume. You see, cuteness is temporary. So don't you start getting too big for your britches, Miss thing.


Jealously, yet Playfully,
The Corsair