Dear Gene Simmons



(image via smgfan)

Dear Gene Simmons:

No celebrity pimps their fans with as much savage dlight as you do. Your pimp hand is admittedly as strong as the dye that keeps your hair eternally jet-black (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Your schemes -- and, really, that's what they are -- to part your base from their hard earned rent monies make one doubt the very foundations of Capitalism. To wit: ought one so terrifically stupid enough to buy a "KISS Kasket (TM)" have their purchasing power revoked forthwith?

We have come up with a few suggestions in order to speed up the process of the long, slow lifeforce-draining process between you and your fans:

1) KISS Cash. In which the fans give you hard. crisp dollars and you give them a "KISS dollar." an IOU -- if you will -- a treasury KISS note, in Gene We trust, Novus Ordo KISSulorum. Sucker.

2) KISS ATM CARD. The Fans --aka suckers -- give you thier ATM cards and PIN number and you give them the equivalent KISS CARD (PIN #: KISS)

3) Knights In the Servive of Simmons -- aka KISS. After you have drained them of all their monies and their sex, we recommend you launch the ultimate, cynical, soul-destroying initiative, namely: Liberate your fans from their remaining Dignity. Whatever still remains after the KISS Kasket, that is. Imagine yourself, sitting in a KISS throne, fanned by a giant peacock feather, holding a megaphone, shouting, "Stand up! Sit Down! Dance like a mokey!" as your broken fans strive to amuse you.

Just some suggestions that parallel the present trajectory of Gene Simmons, Inc.

Cordially,
The Corsair