Marky Snark



(image via lineone)

The secret of muttonheaded Mark Wahlberg's confounding success involves the equation of Ordinary Guy thrust into the celestial heights of celebrity (for further reference see: RockStar, Entourage, and, in theaters presently, Invincible). How does Ordinary Joe manage? Does he blow off his old working class pals for the nubile and the mogul? For half a decade these questions have rattled around inside Wahlberg's obnoxiously empty noggin.

In essence, Wahlberg has crafted an impressive career improvising on the familiar rif of his own life. How marvelously ... organic (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment), n'est-ce pas?

In the beginning was "Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (Averted Gaze)." They were, in fine, Entourage 1.0, the template for Leonardo DiCaprio's legendary "Pussy Posse," only a hundred IQ points stupider. Of untaxed brow, musky scent, and unclad chests this "Funky Bunch" cluttered the media landscape with their monosyllabic grunts and relentless Chimpanzee posturing. And who can forget Wahlberg, underwear model (Averted Gaze). En route to the path of movie stardom he was, essentially, the masculkine analog of a "juicy bitch"; he used his washboard abs much as a starlet might use her plump decolletage. Didn't Brooke Shields -- newly deflowered by Dean Caine -- once depants him (Or was that a dream)?

And so we congratulate Marky Mark on "Invincible," the number one movie in the land, as we cannot fail to note his primordial origins as a slab of beef. Plus ca change, plus la meme chose.