The Passion of Mike Tyson

Would it be obnoxiously politically incorrect for an African-American man, me, to suggest that maybe that facially-tattooed monstrosity named Mike Tyson (with the "rib busting ox-strength") ought to be placed -- for his good and ours -- in a cage, dangling over a yawning precipice on the outskirts of society, on the margins of propriety, with the sign "Don't Feed the Tyson" firmly affixed to the bars? It would be obnoxiously politically incorrect, you say? Then read this, from Page Six, which led to my ingenious proposal in this present state, and tell The Corsair that he's wrong:



"... Tyson's manager, Shelly Finkel who issued a statement Monday denying the ex-champ was using cocaine confirmed that Tyson is training for yet another comeback fight in March. DeCubas said, 'I've been with [Tyson] for the past six weeks and I haven't seen him do any drugs at all.' No drugs, perhaps, but hardly a clean record. Tyson was arrested Tuesday in Scottsdale for jumping on the hood of another man's car after leaving a club in the wee hours. Tyson's caused $1,400 in damage, the man claims."

Note to Shelly Finkel -- the drug excuse? (Sotto Voce) That's a good thing. Saying that Mike Tyson randomly leaped onto a man's car and did over 14 large worth of damage to a metal vehicle while mens sana in corpore sano ... is kind of fucking scary. But maybe those are just my "issues".

Say he was on steroids and PCP, or something -- throw in hillbilly heroin and a fluorescent cocktail of crank while you're at it. Mention technicolor beakers and David Lynchean triler parks. Don't just let the press know that Tyson regards the rendering of automotive vehicles into so much scrap metal with his bare hands as "recreational activity".

The arrest report on Smokinggun.com reads:

"On November 27, 2004 at approximately 0045 hours Alikadic (Ed Note: tee hee "lick-a-dick") stated he was at The Pussycat Lounge 4426 N. Saddleback Trail: Alikadic was driving out of the lounge on to N. Saddleback Trail. Mike Tyson and several of his friends were walking out of the lounge and onto the street."

Cue to sinister music. Perhaps Bach's Toccata in D Minor. Or, better yet, maybe the Star Wars Imperial March theme. Slo-Mo cam sweep as Tyson's head turns, notices Alikadic.

"Alikadic stopped in the roadway and stated Mike Tyson started to scream and yell at him."

What would you do if Mike Tyson started screaming and yelling at you for no earthly reason? After involuntarily evacuating your bowels, I mean. What's the fucking protocol for that existential situation?

If The Corsair had a bag of groceries on him, he'd gingerly toss out the meatstuffs and run in the opposite direction, there is little else one can do when faced with an enraged Mike Tyson just hating on you. But Alikadic froze up in primal fear. Bad move. Wild animals can smell the fear -- The Corsair watches Animal Planet, you know -- they have, like "pounce impulses," or something (Averted Gaze), so when you stop and stare at them, uh, anticipating their next move, ter -- hey may not want to kill you, but they just have to. It's, like, uhm, a scientific fact.

Okay, that there previous was naught else but utter bullshit.

You see, this is where The Corsair part ways with Alikadic. One doesn't freeze up when confronted with a horro-filled Mike Tyson situation. This is one of those times in life when a the image of a grown man hauling ass in the streets has a reasonable antecedent. Run like the wind, bro, run don't walk if Mike Tyson suddenly appears on your path.

"Mike jumped on to the hood of Alikadic's vehicle and began to pound on it."

Not even a hello?

"Mike was on his hands and knees on the hood of his vehicle."

On all fours -- how meaningful a statement.

"Alikadic got out of his vehicle and got back in once he saw who it was."

Good (The Corsair observes), cautious move.

"He stated he did not want any problems. Mike Tyson's friends pulled him off of the hood and said 'You're okay man, you're okay' to Alikadic. Alikadic then left the scene."

Fin