It has been widely said that Donald Trump is in fact a short-fingered vulgarian. I would endeavor to attempt to argue in this essay that Donald Trump is, in fact, a long fingered, mischievous form of macaque intent upon bringing about the destruction of the human race!
I mean how do we really know that Donald Trump is a man and not something feral that thinks it is a man but really isn't? We assume much about Trump's humanity when his behavior speaks to something quite other than the community of man. He boasts of picking up pennies! And where, pray tell, is Donald Trump's certificate of humanity? I demand The Donald submit to a DNA test so that we can confirm or deny once and for all the proper sequencing of his chromosomes. How can we be sure he is in fact actually not a quadruped that has amazing balance? My arguments:
The hair. This blogger's detractors will argue that in bringing up Donald Trump's unruly mane he is grasping at low-hanging comedic fruit. In fact, you will see as this argument unfolds that it is not this blogger grasping at the easy ... it is Donald Trump grasping at highly situated bananas. If Donald Trump is in fact a maccaque or some other higher ape pretending to be a human, imagine the ambition. It has put its damned, dirty ape name on our skylines; it has polluted our politics at its highest levels!
Human beings quite simply don't have hair that behaves in the manner that Donald Trump's hair behaves with the possible exception of Rudy Giuliani (and this blogger has his lingering doubts about Rudy's citizenship in the family of Man as well). Certain members of the Great Ape family do, but not Man, QED.
Apes throw their own feces. And what is it, pray tell, that Donald Trump does in our commons? Witness: "The big question is: What does John Jr. see in Daryl (Hannah), if anything. I have seen her on many occasions, and she is, quite simply, a 'six' - and badly in need of a shower or a bath." Do human beings talk like this? It comes from the boiling id, clearly. But the boiling id of what animal? I would argue a maccac. If that isn't an instance of tossing feces in public, witness this, regarding Rosie O'Donnell: "Rosie fails at everything. She had a variety show, it failed. I mean, she — I don’t understand now, somebody else, some moron will come and hire her again to do something else and that will fail." Again, this is violence towards a woman, behavior only tolerated in the animal kingdom and in some parts of the former Soviet Empire. Further, it should be noted in passing that an alarming number of Donald Trumps wives belong to countries in the nimbus of the former Soviet Empire. Just saying.
Apes mock charge. And what is it, pray tell, that Donald Trump does when he frequently runs pseudo-Presidential campaigns. The sheer animal spectacle of it all! Kurt Andersen, one of the best contemporary social philosophers of our time said of Trump and his latest "mock charge":
"What will his excuse be if he says 'I've decided not to run' ... The boy can cry wolf only so many times. So, he has done this again and again and again. I mean, sometimes he does it as a kind of left-wing Democrat saying that we have to have universal health care, and George Bush is the worst President in history, what he said a few years ago and now he says it as I love the Tea Party and I don't believe he was born in this country and he's the worst president in history. So it's an amazing spectacle, he is an amazing spectacle, which is why I guess I've been a sort of a student of Donald Trump for I guess these 25 years."
To be a student of Donald Trump is to be a student of the kingdom of the Great Apes. More zoology than sociology, this blogger would argue.
What is to be done? First: join the revolution! Do not let Trump, some form of great ape, bring about the downfall of man. Do not let he and his taxonomic family do this to the Statue of Liberty:
The blogger -- The Corsair -- believes that the #Trumper hashtag should be used for Tweeters that have serious and enduring doubts as to whether or not Donald Trump is actually human. The monkey revolution is in full effect and Donald Trump is their Monkey King. This blog will be the herald that rouses mankind from its slumber. Further, any print or digital publication that wants to interview me in my role as CEO and President of the Trumper movement can contact me via firstname.lastname@example.org
I am, until the time as this matter gets resolved,
CEO and President, The Trumper Movement