Thursday, December 27, 2007

2007 Year End Pirates, Part Dieux

Ay-ay, Matey; Part Two of the Year-end Pirate Awards for pop-cultural harlotry high and low.

Jennifer Connely wants her look back, asshole.(image via

The Man-Bitch Pirate Goes To ... Jared Leto. The reasoning for ascribing an aggressive case of robust man-bitchery to Leto is obvious. "JLe" relishes picking fights with bloggers, prepubescent fans, and, quixotically, journos who can make or break his douchebag B-list career. Clearly he's as spoiled as unrefrigerated yogurt. An argument could be made that Leto is suffering from acute overdose of pussy, but George clooney also has that affliction and still turned out a pretty damned cool dude. Of Leto, We said: "Jared Leto's obnoxious 'guyliner' rankles. The multiple starlet conquests are calculated to rasp. The shitty band with the shitty name boggles the imagination; it confounds the cabbage. His attitude towards his fans leaves something to be desired. His celebrated 'Beef Cheeks'... oh, let's not go there, shall we?

''There are a host of reasons why anyone wouldn't want to lay a stiff whipsmack across Jared Leto's supine lips, and then, with a studied insouciance, return volley with a ruthless and unexpected BACKHAND, just to even things out geometrically.'' I'm just saying ...

Skank you very much! (image via timeinc)

The Does It Burn When She Pees Pirate Goes To: Janice Dickinson. Of course. Who else -- with the possible exception of arch-skank Tommy Lee -- could rock this award? In an interview with Howard Stern earlier in the year, she dished on her ... sowed oats (Eew). From Marksfriggin:

""Howard said that Janice has had sex with over 1000 guys and he's surprised that she's so uptight about talking about it. She did talk a little bit about Mick Jagger and his small penis. She said she was surprised at how small it actually was.

"... Janice talked more about Belushi and how much she misses him. She said that a lot of the guys she used to hang out with are dead now. She talked about banging Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty when they still had hair. They were her idols and she got to sleep with them. Janice said that Jack Nicholson told her not to tell anyone that she had 'star cum' inside of her after having sex. She said that's the way guys treated her."

Charmed, I'm sure.

Hey: It was the 70s. (image via bbc)

The Honorary Black Man Pirate Goeth To .. David Geffen. Brushing aside his uncanny resemblance to Don Cheadle, Geffen's lifetime passion project was Dreamgirls -- the ultimate black musical -- and he is arguably the most influential player in music over the past 30 years. And, as we know, African-Americans are a musical people. We wrote: "Is Los Angeles powerplayer David Geffen really a -- how does one say it? -- brother undercover? We ask this because of the long-delayed "Dreamgirls," the seminal African-American -- and, for that matter, everyone else -- Musical Extravaganza of the Year, has been his pet project for as long as anyone can remember. Geffen's commitment to recuscitating Edie Murphy's career and launching Jennifer Hudson into the stratosphere from her dismal job at Disney cruises can only be properly construed as ... very black of him." We couldn't have said it better ourselves. And we'll just try to forget that he once dated Cher once upon a time.

Paris is crying ...

...Paris is Burning.

Stupidest idea Pirate Goes To Cam'Ron's "Snitches-Get-Stitches" Philosophy. Clearly this philosophy is influenced by kant's categorical imperative. With big, saucer-sized eyes connoting all the sophistication and suave of a plate of warm custard, Cam'ron told Anderson Cooper that the underclass ought to keep their mouths shut as crimes are being committed in their neighborhoods. Good times. We wrote: "As we watched in abject horror on '60 Minutes' last week as Anderson "Dying Apollo" Cooper interviewed the saucer-eyed and seriously media un-savvy rapper, Cam'ron. Was Cam'ron going to give the party line on Snitches-getting-stitches? He did, astonishingly, on "60 Minutes." And we, gawking at the train wreck unfolding in front of Cooper, wondered, aloud: Does this Ignorant Ass even have a manager to restrain his Ghetonic impulses?"

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