Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Corsair 25 (To be Concluded on Monday)

There is a second Republican Administration in office, Preppies are back in vogue, short-fingered vulgarian Trump is getting married (again), corporate excess abounds, Jacko gets top-billing, everything looks like the 80s all over again (The Corsair sips on a Riunite on Ice)-- except the great Spy Magazine (RIP) is no longer on the newsstands (The Corsair pours out a bit of riunite "for the dead homiez"). In their spirit -- and with only a fraction of their human resource manpower -- we present The Corsair 25, "My Annual Census of the 25 Most Annoying, Alarming, and Appalling People, Places and Things." We miss you, Spy (The Corsair lights up a Macanudo Robust Baron de Rothschild; humming Mozart's Queen of the Night Aria to himself):

25- Tom Wolfe.

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Inherent loathsomeness: 8/10:

Media Saturation: 5/10

Misdeeds: Author of the laughably naive "I Am Charlotte Simmons" -- and judging by those dandy threads, he just might be -- which is "naught else but simplistic shit" ... Once called Norman Mailer's friend, the African-American boxer Archie Moore, "Mailer's pet primitive" ... knockout-king Moore nearly punched the geek out on the spot ... Moral sensibility not unlike that of a turn-of-the-century Southern-belle debutante ... Shocked -- shocked! -- that sexually prime 18-22 year olds "hook up" while their roommates are still in the room! (Heaven forbid!) ... Wears crisp white suits in filthy, polluted NYC ... Has a weak chin.

Mitigating Factors: ... Appreciates architectural design.

Predictions 2005: Will get into some nonsense literary feud, quite possibly this time with a younger, on-the-make writer. Will promptly get knocked the fuck out.

24- Calvin Klein

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Inherent loathsomeness: 7/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: ... Fires Janice Dickinson for taking Quaaludes before fashion shoot, saying, menacingly, "you will never work with me again, Janice, you have my solemn promise on that" ... Subsequent substance abuse problems caused him to "pitch woo" at hyper heterosexual NBA star Latrell Sprewell ... Hampton's Party was a bust ... Gawker Stalker: "crashers abounded and no one was even checking the guest list. the page sixers were there, trolling for items, and calvin was deeply conflicted, or confused, because we saw him ask patrick mcmullan to stop taking pictures... why invite him then? ps no body was wearing his clothes. yes, this was a $600,000 party that backfired."

Mitigating Factors: Fairly open guest list at said party

Predictions 2005: ?

23- Damon Dash

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Inherent loathsomeness: 6/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Unpardonably once called Victoria "Posh" Beckham's singing "hot" ... Even with $300 million, could not score a chickenhead's phone number "in da club" ... Marginally efficient New York media hustler ... Ghetto-to-the-bone hypercapitalist, Dash forms "boxing" (?) group with Lou DiBella ... highly implausible! ... Can't hardly resist being in every papparazi pic for indie pic "The Woodsman," even though he was only the filthy moneyman behind it (Note in all subsequent photos the patient gazes of Kyra Sedgwick and the tolerant Kevin Bacon)

Mitigating Factors: Mom died when he was 15, Dash put himself through school, which goes a long ways in explaining his general prickishness.

Predictions 2005: Boxing group goes bust.

22- The Kabballah

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Inherent loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: "That disgusting voodoo" ... Page Six: Kabballah mystical spells chanted by Madonna and Guy Ritchie to cleanse Chernobyl ... Demi proselytizes Fergie ... Britney gets mark of the beast on back of neck ... A religion that accepts Paris Hilton ... Kabballah red string was on sale this summer at Target for $25.99.

Mitigating Factors: Aspects of Kabbalah can be traced to the 1st Century, AD.

Predictions 2005: Worldwide domination through "tweens"

21- Victoria Gotti -- no disrepect

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Inherent loathsomeness: N/A (no disrespect)

Media Saturation: 10/10 (No disrespect)

Misdeeds: N/A (no disrespect) ... we're quite scared to go into this ... But "Humpy" VF interviewer GW said some interesting things -- no disrespect -- which we don't really agree with ...

Mitigating Factors: Upstanding citizen.

Predictions 2005: A beautiful year! (No disrespect intended)

20- Joan and Melissa Rivers

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Inherent loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Where do we begin? The Corsair opens Blue Octavo Notebooks: ... Celebrity Fashion Critic ought not to be a proper six-figure vocation in the entertainment industry; especially if you split it down the middle with Mumsy ... Stars as herself in frightful "telemovie" (Averted Gaze) biography "Tears and Laughter: The joan and Melissa Rivers Story"... Melissa married horse Breeder (Averted Gaze) John Endicott in "Russian Royalty"-themed wedding (Controlled belly laugh) arranged by Joan at the Plaza with 25,000 white roses -- the couple divorced several years later (exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) -- on grounds of bigamy, in that she was married for life to her Mother... Joan using every opportunity to speak (rewrite history) on how much Johnny Carson meant to her, when, in fact, Johnny hated her guts to the end

Mitigating Factors: None. Living breathing bad stereotypes. And proud of it. The Wayanses of Jewishness.

Predictions 2005: Will break world's records for tastlessness

19- Quentin Tarrantino Versus Spike Lee

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Inherent loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: Spike: "Was Pulp Fiction really an indie film? I don't think so" ... "King Magazine: In one of our previous issues, Quentin Tarrantino said he could ..."Spike Lee: ... He said he would beat me, Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorcese in a fight. Yeah, I read that. That's infantile, talking about directors who could beat up other directors. That's all I have to say about that." ... Ignorant too ... Quentin: He once drank St. Ides in a Bikini Magazine photo shoot; sadist; delusions of blackness ... Spike: Visits strippers while his wife, Tonya, shlocks her book; so narcissistic as to believe Spike Tv was named after him -- and sued.

Mitigating Factors: Both equally contemptible self involved auteurs du enema.

Predictions 2005: Telluride Smackdown; Marquis of Queensbury Rules, shot via Dogme-styyle

18- P Diddy

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Inherent loathsomeness: 5/10

Media Saturation: 9/10

Misdeeds: Peddles Pepsi with Cindy Crawford and Eve Longoria in new Superbowl commercial ... Has something to wash down junior's cheesecake ... Pepsi had better beware: Diddy spent the summer 2004 pitching the useless "Vote or Die" ... Voter turnout in 2004 virtually the same percentage as 2000 ... Allegedly drank $8,000 worth of drinks with infamous LA partyboy, Jamie Foxx ... Never saw a camera he didn't like ... Diddy's a little l'oeuf in his oevres ... His entourage is excessive ... A "freaked" P Diddy ran through the streets of Ibiza in his "drawers" and fur coat after raid mixup ... tossed his AmEx card in Melissa and Joan Rivers' tip jar at The Golden Gloves ... later retrieved it ... Ass

Mitigating Factors: Diddy did run the city, thus raising $3 million for the Board of Ed bureaucracy to squander.

Predictions 2005: More desperate red-carpet clinging to bigger stars.

17- Andrew Cuomo.

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Inherent loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturaton: 3/10

Misdeeds: Ruined the chances for possibly the first African-American governor of New York after a quixotic and contentious Primary with H.Carl McCall, the highest elected statewide Democrat ... Bill Clinton had to ask a badly losing Cuomo to drop out for the good of the party ... Horrible temper; gives The Cosair a "bad vibe"*shudders* ... Feuding with former brother-in-law, the saintly Robert Kennedy, Jr ... Feuds with everyone ... Utter prick asshole ... Thrust the affair of the mother of his children and his own wife into the tabloids ... Total fucking loathsome scum.

Predictions 2005: Will self-destruct due to red-hott temper on Attorney General campaign trail.

16-Dakota Fanning

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Lil Bitch! (Only kiiding)

16- Abigail Vona, "Bad Girl"

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Inherent loathsomeness: 7/10

Media Saturation: (Then) 10/10; (now) 3/10

Misdeeds: Mouth, ostensibly alluring (Averted Gaze), consistently open in a pucker the shape of a cat's ass ... At 19, caused Media World War 3 in NY tabloidland ... Wars caused the firing of Ian Spiegelman ... Took responsibility of her mess -- to little, too late ... A low grade piece of ass, to be sure ... What merits a biography at the age of 19? Other than the marginally hott ass ... entirely devoid of talent

Mitigating Factor: If so inclined, and you have proper journo credentials, she may just "break you off a pice of ass" ...

2005 Predictions: Some lurid and distasteful media act.

15- George Stephanopoulos


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Inherent loathsomeness: 8/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Allegedly fucks overamped wife twice a day ... From his bio, All to Human: "During June battles on the budget and affirmative action, hives had erupted across my chin. I grew a beard. The rash subsided after an August vacation, but my most pernicious symptom persisted unseen ... But by December I couldn't take it anymore. I sat on the edge of the sofa as the psychiatrist told me what I already knew: I was burned out." ... soft-voiced Grecian pussy boy... parlayed Machiavellian betrayal of Bill Clinton into lucrative as mild voiced Establishment-loving gig on ABC's This Week .. burn, George, burn!

Mitigating Factor: Adorable daughter, Elliot.

2005 Predictions: Future NY Senate run? Teaching at Columbia School of Journalism? The Peter Jennings seat? Anything is possible for the impossibly ambitious Greek boy.

14- Senator Trent Lott

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 9/10 (Hair): 10/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: Attended White supremacist CCC meetings while in Senate ... Opined out loud that the United States "wouldn't have these problems" if former segregationist Strom Thurmond had been elected President in 1948 ... cloying Senator hair ... Almost perverse Senate hair ... Alright, we are fixated on the John Edwards-like Senate hair ... Had to give up prestigious Majority Leader post for humiliating "Rules Committee" (Averted Gaze) ... Was a cheerleader at Ole Miss ... real fucking manly, Trent.

Mitigating Factors: Scorching "tell all" forthcoming; scores will be settled (we can hardly wait, we say, as we rub our hands together mischievously)

Predictions 2005: Tell all book will make him a popular in Congress as Representative Charlie Rangel's girdle.

13- Amber Frey

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Masseuse (Averted Gaze) ... Eye color evoking the color of smoke ... Mistress of the world's best known convicted wife and baby killer ... New York Times Nonfiction Hardcover Bestseller, #1! ... Hundreds show up to get copies signed ... Suggests the decline of Western Civilization

Mitigating Factors: Most probably gives an energetic blowjob, accompanied, to be sure, by aromatherapeutic scents of jasmine and honeysuckle.

Predictions 2005: Heavily airbrushed Playboy photo shoot.

12- Dan Rather

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Thoroughly stupid ass ... Bush half assed unchecked source memo's "gotcha" backfired ... Spent 3/4 of "60 Minutes" interview on Lewinsky ... During said interview, went to Little Rock with Clinton, dressed identically alike ... "Kenneth, what is the frequency?" ... a graduate of something called "Sam Houston teachers college" (Averted Gaze) ... Wise man?

Mitigating Factors: Retirement

Predictions 2005: Journalism School-- as a remedial student, not a teacher.

11- Eric Benet

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 9/10

Media Saturation: 1/10

Misdeeds: "I am not a sex addict ... I am a person who ... through a series of emotional events, troubles, challenges, made some really, really stupid, painful mistakes" ... I'll say ... Ex-wife Halle Barry has sworn off the institution of marriage because of him ... "Composer"(Averted Gaze) ... tried to fleece Halle Barry out of as much money as he can get ... Played himself on the monstrously unfunny "Mad TV" ... Sucky musician

Mitigating Factors: Was once married to Halle Berry.

2005 Predictions: More sucky R&B.

10 - Ovitz Versus Eisner

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Kurt Andersen, The Imperial City: "Ovitz was a Disney board member when he was fired, so he is, in a fine irony, one of the eighteen co-defendants. But unlike the others, he doesn?t consider the case an embarrassment or fret about the looming financial liability if the judge imposes fines or restitution. Rather, it is for him a priceless, desperately welcome opportunity to revise his reputation upward?and, in this zero-sum game, that of his former friend and employer downward." ... Eisner claimed Steve Jobs created Windows ... Further, called the Pixar CEO, who has made millions for Disney, "a Shiite Muslim" ... Ovitz stunned Hollywood by claiming, in Hollywood bible Vanity Fair, that the "gay mafia" ruined him ... At issue in -- of all places, Delaware -- Eisner's $140 million severance package.

Mitigating Factors: Media schadenfreude galore

2005 Predictions: Mickey Mouse sqeaks!

9-Uncouth Royals

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Inherent Loathsomness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Prince Harry wears Nazi uniform to "Colonial and Native" party (Averted Gaze) ... Princess Michael of Kent told a table of African-Americans at Da Silvano's that they should "go back to the colonies" ... Denied to NYPost columnist Cindy Adams she ever made the remark, then tells her how she said it ... HRH Princess racist told September 2004 Tatler this dubious (exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) story: " ... A friend of mine went with her grandchildren into the park with a ball. They were happily playing when an African-British or British-African child, aged about 12, grabbed the ball and ran off. The grandmother pursued her and said, 'Excuse me, can we have the ball back?' The child turned and said, 'You're a racist,' to which the grandmother replied, 'No, I am not a racist, but you are a thief. Now give me back my ball.'" ... Riight ... racist 'ho.

Mitigating Factors: Inspired online anti-royal drama

2005 Predictions: E! True European stories?

8- Al Franken

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 10/10

Misdeeds: Generally considered an arrogant dick ... Got verbally aggressive with Steven Spielberg's 15-year old adopted son, Theo, on Topic A with Tina Brown ... Attacks heckler at Howard Dean rally in 2003, according to NYTimes Magazine: " ... Franken hits the floor, wedges himself among a couple dozen legs and puts the man in a wrestling hold, grabbing him at the knees ... That destabilizes (the heckler), and others now quickly push him down the aisle and out the side door of the theater ... Franken gets up, looking dazed; his glasses are snapped in two. He's quickly swarmed by confused but excited reporters who want to know, like, what was he doing?"

Mitigating Factors: None. Typical Harvard Elitist Asshole liberal.

2005 Predictions: Senate run against Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman

7- The Real World

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: Waay past expiration date paleo-Reality TV Show ... Boring; sleeping gas; a magnum of chloroform ... Jumped the shark after Hawaii ... Sexy 20somethings should be seen (in porno) and not heard ... Their lips should have "non speaking roles" ... Was once innovative -- when no one knew what would happen -- but the kids are all polished and media savvy ... Cast feature on SmokingGun Archives: Landon assaulted a horse ... Alton assaults ... Robin assaults ... And, most disturbingly, Lyme-disease assaulter, Stephen, sold his ass!

Mitigating Factors: RW Formula: frat boys and rah rah sisters; nudity; "hook ups"; unpleasant subsequent break up episode; jealousy ensues episode; assault episode; substance abuse intervention episode; very special counselling episode; "It's so hard to say goodbye episode." ... Did we miss anything?

Predictions 2005: A thoroughly unpleasant cancellation

6- Karl Rove

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 9/10

Misdeeds: Counterpunch: " ... The 2000 GOP primary was a chance for Rove to hone his skills in dirty tricks. His target then was Senator John McCain who appeared to be within striking distance of Dubya in South Carolina after the then-GOP maverick's surprise upset victory in New Hampshire. Rove's operation proceeded to target McCain with false stories: McCain was a stoolie for his captors in the Hanoi Hilton (this from a lunatic self-promoting Vietnam 'veteran'); McCain fathered a black daughter out of wedlock (a despicable reference to McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter); Cindy McCain's drug 'abuse'; and even McCain's 'homosexuality.'" ... such a godam blast of evil, it's almost cool, in a dark-green gemlike way. Almost (Averted Gaze)

Mitigating Factors: Masterfully outmaneuvered the Democrats on Ohio in 2004, which he correctly predicted would be the ultimate battleground -- the gladiatorial fundament.

2005 Predictions: Prepping Bill Frist-Pataki for 2008 ticket; sealing the deal on a Republican Party in saeculorum

5- Brett Ratner

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 9/10

Media Saturation: 6/10

Misdeeds: Clumsy juggling of homoerotic hero worship of Hollywood mainstay Robert Evans and Jehovah's Witness g/f, Serena Williams ... Supplied a faulty tv that ultimately burned down Evans' architecturally spectacular legendary mansion, destroying Hollywood history ... smooth move, Ex Lax ... in 1978, made his first 'movie' at eight years old with a camcorder (could it have been much better than Money Talks?) ... From the Oct/Nov 2004 Complex Magazine, The Rat brags: " ... Ratner sits in the executive area of the Universal Commissary, where the latest Atkins-friendly offerings are available. He talks about his $3.5 million mansion while stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. 'It's under renovation,' he says with a touch of excitement. 'Ingrid Bergman used to own it, later the director of Grease installed a crazy 70s disco. I have secret tapes of Travolta and Olivia Newton-John partying."

Mitigating Factors: Appreciates African-American culture, but white, like Tarrantino, a ... "whigro."

2005 Predictions: More Hollywood dreck. More braggadocio.

4- Bonnie Fuller

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: Notoriously cold blooded ... While at Cosmo, devoted herself to articles, like, "What Kind of Sexual Vibes Do You Give Off?" ... Routinely overworks NY Media (TM) employees ... Defended running picture of Kobe Bryant's alleged rape accuser, thus setting a disturbing tabloidal precedent ... Jann Wenner said Bonnie is not a good boss, after she dumped his ass ... the Toronto Globe and Mail calls the profile of IWantMedia.com's former Media Person of the Year Bonnie Fuller in Vanity Fair 'devastating.' A taste: 'Even Fuller's reported best friend, Jane Hess, is quoted as saying, 'She's like a shark.'" ... only a taste ... "said Dennie Hughes, Ms. Fuller's assistant at YM. 'She was like, Dennie, my cappuccino has no foam. " ... The Corsair has some "foam" for Bonnie ... "... Fuller's Us assistants about how they let her walk around with 'Wash by Hand' tags stuck on her freebie designer clothing and once contaminated her take-home dinner by rubbing a loaf of bread in their pants and spiking her mini-chocolate souffl� cakes with ... well ... with snot. 'I swear to God, we're really nice people,' one ex-staffer said. 'You just don't know what we went through.'"

Mitigating Factors: She scowled at The Corsair once behind the tents.

2005 Prediction: Overworked employees leave tasty Bonnie-gossip on Gawker.

3-Mike Tyson

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 10/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: Fucking dude Gnawed on Evander Holyfield's ear ... Did $1400 worth of damage with his "rib busting ox-strength" to an innocent man's car ... Naomi Campbell to Tyson: "'You know, Mike, if it weren't for the sex, I wouldn't even talk to you,' she seemed to enjoy telling him.'You don't offer me anything else.'" ... Fucking disgusting ... Odd Polynesian-like face tatoo ... Blew through $200 million during his professional career:"Mike Tyson, who earned more than $200 million during his professional career, had $5,553 left in cash on December 31 (2003), according to papers filed with the US Bankruptcy Court." ... Punched out Wesley Snipes over a girl.

Mitigating Factors: Alleged comeback fight in March 2004

2005 Prediction: Felony assaults (plural)

2-James Lipton

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Inherent Loathsomeness: 20/10

Media Saturation: 7/10

Misdeeds: Smarmy ... Looks like he carries warm gummy bears in his jacket pockets ... Namedropping on a cosmic scale ... According to NYTimes Magazine: "I do Pilates. I actually trained with Joseph Pilates himself and his wife, Clara. This was in the mid-1960's, and it was a thing for dancers then. When Joe died, a group of us bought his gym for his widow. I still do Pilates downstairs, all the mat work. I don't need an instructor. I could teach it myself. Not that I look thin these days. I sit too much and eat too much." ... had JLo on Inside the Actor's Studio ... "Often the guest and I have dinner afterward. I don't eat before the show. We go to Elaine's, and we eat and talk until 1 or 2 in the morning. We did it with Harrison Ford and Mike Myers; Charlize Theron and her mother; and John Travolta." ... Had Chris Rock on the Actor's Studio ... "Our home in Bridgehampton, without question. It is my oasis, my salvation." ... (The Corsair lights up a Cuban Schimmelpennick, grabs his bottle of Baron de Sigognac Armagnac, and a chilled white wine glass and hums a dark, ornate piece of Couperin to himself) "Car: A Mercedes S.U.V. I love that car. I'm not a P.C. person. I sit there royally in my S.U.V. and never think about the gas consumption." ...

Mitigating Factors: He does not molest children.

2005 Predictions: Inside the Actor's Studio 2005: Ashton Kutcher, David Spade, Dakota Fanning, Jonathan Lipnicki, Frankie Muniz, Freddy Prinze, Jr, and his master, Beelzebub, Lord of Hell ...

1- Kimora Lee Simmons

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"I'm One Fly Bitch!"

Inherent Loathsomeness: Off the Charts

Media Saturation: Too Much For Our Tastes

Misdeeds: The antichrist ... Arrested for possession of "the stickey ickey" ... (The Corsair munches Cappuccino Caramel Joseph Schmidt Mosaic Chocolates) Swan-like Phoebe Eaton: "'You gotta get tough,' Russell (Simmons) told his wife. She had gone to such trouble?for him!?to measure up as an urban fashion icon, a woman who, in her own words, could 'inspire young women to aspire.' But to the New York tabloids, Kimora Lee Simmons is an irresistible pincushion." ... The vapid hysterics .. the untaxed mind .. the whole child-as-fashion-accessory thing(The Corsair sips from a pimp cup filled with 1978 Chateau Mouton Rothschild) ... the aggressive name dropping, the really "big bones," the rampant ultramaterialism wholly without a mitigating interior dimension as a factor in her personality -- it all just comes together, so perfectly, so archly, quite frankly, in the bloated form that is Cremora, as The Corsair likes to call her when he is in a particularly adolescent mood (which he is in right now) ...

Mitigating Factor: Nada.

Prediction 2005: Total global media domination.









































10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are an evil genius. But where was Colin Powell?

starzstylista said...

You goddamn genius you. I hate you. I love you. My daughter! My sister! My daughter! My sister!

Mary said...

I meant to post a couple of my favorites but I had to go and read:

Looks like he carries warm gummy bears in his jacket pockets

BWAH!

And I forgot what else I was gonna say.

Good list.

The Corsair said...

Thank you, guys. My pop-cultural sickness does not rage in vain. Ron

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! That was exhaustive and excellent. Hey, I just described me in bed. Anyway, nice job.

-sac

Allison Bojarski said...

"Cremora"! I love it!!

Great list (how do you DO it?!), but what I treasure most is the addition of "Cremora" to my lexicon.

(S)wine said...

Re: Wolfe

Mailer's too old to pack a good punch. We miss Hemingway and Bukowski.

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