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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Hugh Grant, manwhore, slab of beef, that lucky fucking dog; He who we once thought of as an ass -- Hughdie dodged the Elizabeth Hurley bullet, managed to parlay his little "hooker episode" into a career as the suave bad guy, as opposed to the boring Merchant-Ivory wag whom uncultivated Midwestern housewives pine after; and now, mirabile dictu, Grant is moving in on to the ever-elusive fiscal security with jet set heiress Jemima Goldsmith as his "sugarmommy", easily one of the best looking women in the world -- total eye candy. Make us proud, Hugh, at least, according to British Vogue:

"NEWLY-SINGLE Jemima Goldsmith and eternal bachelor Hugh Grant were again spotted at the same event last night, adding fuel to the rumours currently doing the rounds that the pair may be about to become an item. They arrived separately at David Frost's annual garden party, a regular feature of the summer social scene, at which other glamorous attendees included Elle Macpherson and Sienna Miller. Pictured for the first time since her divorce from Imran Khan became public, Jemima looked ice cool and elegant in white lace. Grant was less so as he was pictured rushing in, his face set into something of a grimace. The stunning heiress was first linked to the actor after they were spotted enjoying a night on the tiles at London club Annabel's (named after Jemima's mother, Lady Annabel Goldsmith), last month, shortly before Jemima's divorce was announced. Grant has been linked with a string of glamorous women since his split from long-term love Elizabeth Hurley, but remains resolutely single. As Jemima is now back on the singles market herself, perhaps we should watch this space."

Perhaps.

Out: Dan Rather. Why is this thus? What is the purpose of this thusness? Why is Dan Rather a network news anchor? According to Drudge:

"JENNINGS FIGHTS BACK, BEATS BROKAW: ABC 'WORLD NEWS' TOPS NBC 'NIGHTLY' FOR WEEK ENDING JULY 2, ALL 3 ANCHORS REPORTED FROM IRAQ ...

"JENNINGS 8,630,000 VIEWERS"

"BROKAW 8,290,000"

"DAN RATHER 6,720,000"

What's the frequency? I'll tell you what the frequency is, true believer: nearly two million less viewers, that's what; Dan Rather isn't even really competitive.

In: Demi Moore. According to Jeanette Walls' Scoop:

"'(Regarding) Fahrenheit 9/11' ... one celeb has already weighed in with an unofficial rave. A source was sitting behind Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher at the Hollywood premiere and says that Moore was 'really, really vocal' throughout the Bush-bashing documentary."

The Corsair could make a crass but sly remark, scoring cheap points with regards to Moore being "vocal," but he will refrain, withholding satisfaction, lying in wait for the big payoff:

"'She was hollering and cheering at the screen and yelling things at Bush,' says the source. 'And she was pumping the air with her fist and saying things like, That was really harsh and That was really crucial. '"

What a coincidence, says The Corsair, slowly removing his red velvet gloves, pouring himself a glass of aged champagne, a reptilian-predatory look about his eyes. What a coincidence indeed, why (The Corsair smiles, wanly), when I first saw the E! True Hollywood Story, the Demi Moore edition, I, too (Averted gaze), pumped my fists in the air, yelling, 'That Was Really Harsh," when Demi dumped her husband Freddy Moore, because he was not famous enough for her liking.

And, what's more, I, too, spoke to my tv screen, saying 'That was really crucial,' when Demi's trailer park mom began selling secrets of her past to the highest tabloid bidder (The Corsair softly chuckles, followed by a small closing cough of feigned detachment)

Out: Oh, sweet Jesus, nononono (hits his screen) no -- this is just fucking disgusting; Rush and Molloy have entirely wrecked my appetite for lunch:

"Macy Gray performed in nothing but a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes Monday night for the Elton John AIDS Foundation in London. Mercifully, for those of us who never really wanted to see her naked, Gray kept her privates concealed behind a chair."

The Corsair shivers uncontrollably at the thought of Macy Gray's "privates"

Dreadful, simply ghastly, really: Someone call the EPA Administrator, because this is naught else but pure pollution.

In: Jessica Alba. I have a (The Corsair makes quotation marks with his fingers out of thin air) "love jones" after Jessica Alba. Such a little hottie. If I had an interview with her -- which is technically impossible, unless Little Miss Jessica rescinds this little restraining order -- it would go something like this:

The Corsair: Jessica, may I call you Jessica?

Alba: Yes ..

The Corsair: (Shivers)

Alba: So, what do you want to know?

The Corsair: Do you have any black in you? You have a sexy, dark look.

Alba: No.

The Corsair: (suggestively) Do you want some black in you?

Two burly members of Alba's entourage attack The Corsair.

Out: Et tu, Coco, et tu. The craziest story I've heard in a while, about former waif Irene Cara, former star of Fame and DC Cab, and former "girlfriend" (wink of wink)of Warren Beatty:

"Twenty-four years ago, starring in the movie 'Fame,' Irene Cara promised us that she would live forever.

"Now she may be trying to fulfill that dream. A recent dispute over the correct birth date for the 40-to-45-year-old Cara is just the latest example of an age-old debate in the parallel universe called celebrity.

"It seems the famous are as scared as always of getting old. And publicists, eager to please their clients, are still fibbing to keep their starlets young.

"Cara, whose real name is Irene Escalera, says she was born March 18, 1964. But several media outlets, including The Associated Press, have her birth date as March 18, 1959.

"Cara's publicist, Bernie Roswig, recently called The AP requesting a correction on the year to 1964. But voter registration records from Florida, where she lives, have her birth year as 1959.

"'There is no one more sensitive about their age than Irene,' said Roswig. 'But she is adamant she was born in 1964. I can't explain the voting record, and there's no way she wants to talk about it.'"

crazy. How disturbing was that scene when the pornographer said to the whimpering Coco, 'Et tu.'

In: And I've been terrible about spreading the love to these two sites I read daily and love -- probably more than I love Jessica Alba, but that forbidden love is rife with all sorts of perversions that ... I'd really rather not get into here: Old Hag and Miu Von Furstenberg. I couldn't get through the day without you.




2 comments:

Jimmy said...

Hey Ron--

Speaking for The Hag: right backatcha, babe.

Ron said...

ahhhh, we feel the love